How to Get Fat

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fat monkey

fat monkey

Getting fat can be so hard! Don’t worry, we are hear to help. Just follow these guidelines and you will be seeing rolls of flab in no time!

  • Never take the stairs when there is a perfectly good elevator in the building. Seriously, some people just don’t appreciate how far we have come in technology!
  • Always eat until you feel like throwing up. But don’t throw up, you will lose all those good calories down the toilet!
  • Never allow anything green to pass your lips. Fiber is fat’s nemesis!
  • Don’t go anywhere near the outline of your comfort zone.
  • Ignore all the warnings of the health risks of obesity! They are trying to brainwash you!
  • Don’t lift anything heavier than the remote control. Your wrist might get a cramp!
  • There should be a visible dent the shape of your butt on the couch. When you sit down and your body immediately falls into its normal place, you know your doing good!
  • Make sure the waitress at the buffet knowns you by name. Daily visits will make this happen.
  • Stay up all night watching reruns and eating chips. Loss of sleep is great for a slowed metabolism.
  • Never forget your midnight snack!
  • Swap all your glasses of water for soda, even diet will do! This way you get in calories even when you are drinking! Oh and lots of beer and wine are great for this too!
  • If you must workout, make sure to do long, boring, low energy workouts that drain your day and provide little weight loss results.
  • Whatever you do, don’t hang out with health conscious people. They will warp your mind.
  • Stress yourself out as much as possible. This will ensure to release cortisol to help you build a nice innertube around your waist.
  • And last but not least, never believe in yourself. This can be very detrimental to your goals. If you think you can lose weight and you don’t give up, weight loss is sure to occur, and we don’t want that now, do we?

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Crystal is our new weight loss expert and we're excited to have her on board! She offers her perspective in a new regular opinion column. Crystal is a professional health and fitness writer with expertise in the diet, weight loss, nutrition, fitness, and health related fields. She is also a certified personal trainer, former owner of HotMommas Fitness Bootcamp in NW Washington, and a mother of five.

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